so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It's just like the Real World with babies
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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