At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
