my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
