You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
