Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
