You're a womanizer and a bitch.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
