I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
