If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
