My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
