i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
