your room smells of hookers.
And success
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
