Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
