After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
