Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
