I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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