Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
