im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
