We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
