She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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