whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
