so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
