and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Why are your pants in the freezer?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
