I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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