Banned from zoo.
Again?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
