i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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