the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
