I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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