I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Randomize
