my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
