none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
