I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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