thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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