ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
