i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
