Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize