Please, let me fuck your mom
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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