apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
