Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
