i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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