she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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