You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
