He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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