I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
