just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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