don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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