she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
