i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
