She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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