I didn't shave. On purpose
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
