i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
