Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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