I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
