She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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