i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
