I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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