Whats the glycemic index on semen?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
