I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
